Life: A balancing act January 31, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Making Decisions, Photos.add a comment
I’ve been struggling with a lot lately…morally, emotionally, physically (well, not so much physically..just thought I’d throw that in there). I’m caught between my moral obligations and my tangible distresses. I’m slowly finding myself able to identify with certain people in a particular area of North Carolina that hurt me. They saw me in a situation that they didn’t feel was right and decided that they (and perhaps, I) were better off by removing themselves completely from the situation at hand. When you see someone doing something that you just can’t agree with or support is it better to remove yourself altogether? Even when you know it could hurt that very person you are trying to help?
As for other feats of balance: Denise and I (mostly Denise) constructed an amazing creamer & sugar tower. It was so wonderful that I took a picture of it so all could see the wonder.
My Dog Has Balls, and Other Stories. January 30, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Animals/Pets, Conversations, Dancing, Photos, Places I Went.2 comments
“Jackie, we have a problem.”
“Oh boy. What is it?”
“I think Gidget’s a He.”
“Mom, I know this. Denise and Ashley already confirmed it.”
“Can we call him Gadget?”
“No.”
“He won’t answer to anything other than Gidget. I’ve tried everything! We can’t call him Gidget unless he’s gay.”
“Mom, what animal in our house hasn’t been gay at some point?”
“Hmm… Well, he does have a shoe fetish…”
I don’t care whether he’s a He or a She. Gidget is his name and that’s what I intend to call him.
This weekend, I went to Fort Benning, Georgia to see my Beloved. Had a freaking amazing weekend with him and his three “battle buddies.” Now, let me give a hint to all of you people out there who are ever planning on taking a trip to that part of Georiga. Listen to me: Don’t you stay in any hotel in Columbus, GA. You stay at the Rothschild Pound House. You Stay There. (Provided you have the minimum of $150ish a night to stay there, of course). I guarantee you will love it. And just to “name drop” a bit: Beyonce slept in my bed a few weeks before I had sex in it. Yeah. I know. Here are some photos to delight you (please ignore the people in the photos… especially the one of Dan’s two friends posing seductively on the bed):
Oh, and on a final note: If you are driving on the interstate please do not be dumb. Driving 10 miles under the speed limit is UNacceptable. As is riding one’s ass with your brights on and then getting into the next lane at the last possible minute before your front end hits my bumper. Get off my ass and learn how to drive.
And lastly, dancing in the car is O.K. as long as you are paying attention to the road. For some people, Car Dancing is the only way you can “dance” and not look 100% retarded. It is an Art Form. Britney Spears, ’80s music, and Kelly Clarkson are excellent soundtracks to the Car Dancing Extravaganza. Rap music has a slightly less “dancey” quality to it, but it is also pleasant to move around to while driving. Some people will stare, this is true. Let them watch. Don’t be embarrassed if someone catches you gyrating to “I’m A Slave For You.” Give them your Crazy Eye and keep moving…let them writhe with jealousy.
Gidget goes to the retarded animal house January 24, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Animals/Pets, Photos.1 comment so far
This is Gidget. Gidget is a supposed Lhasa Apsu only she is the size of a full-grown one and she is only three-ish months. I suspect she is of the Sheep Dog persuasion. My mom’s friend’s son gave him to us after mom’s friend didn’t want it (she has an extreme loyalty to her other dog that died). Rather than have Gidget (we named her… Madge got shot down by Denise because she thought it sounded too much like Vag [vagina] and thus would be too cruel) taken to the pound, Mom didn’t want to see her suffer. So we took her. This is standard practice with my mother who takes in various animals and people to save them from Certain Death. (Although I think she’d like to see Fluffy suffer because she hates him now and yells FLUFFYGETOUTOFHEREBEFOREIKICKYOUINTHEASS! so loud that it sounds like another language).
Since bringing Gidget home about 30 minutes ago, we have discovered something unusual about her that is not common to our other pets: she is smart. (Always knew females were smarter…ha). I have a strong idea that she A) will not masturbate on my bedsheets and B) not be a cause for trips and falls by being in our way. And, I think she already may know her name. If you haven’t guessed by my use of the pronoun “She,” Gidget is female. Female meaning that she has a cycle. Meaning that she will eventually be in heat. She is not yet fixed. Add an old Fluffy who is not neutered into the equation and we may have a statutory rape situation on our hands as Fluff is about 13923048 years old and Gidget is only 3-4 months. Should we worry about puppies? Eh…not so much. Fluffy is so old he’d need Dog Viagra to get it up and probably shoots blanks anyway. He trails her around all over sniffing her ass and follows her outside to go pee. I’m looking at the old fart now… man, is he ugly. Claude, on the other hand, has done nothing but sit in a little retarded ball under my desk. He makes no movement to address the new dog; this was to be expected as Claude never does anything anyway.
I am excited. I don’t think Mom will be as lonely now and she’ll be happy to actually have a pet she likes.
And I can’t believe I wrote a whole entry on dogs. Moreover, one of the longest entries I’ve written since the Myspace/Facebook evaluation. Something is wrong with me.
You pass GO, you collect a diploma. January 22, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Animals/Pets, Being Employed, College/School, Family, Friends.add a comment
A friend of mine said I was “ambitious.” No, I’m not necessarily ambitious, Friend. I was just yanked away from something that I had and I am doing what I can to get it back. You see, I should be graduating from college in 102 days. I want to be there. I’m jealous of these people that I’ve been in college with for the past 3 years who get to do it and I can’t. While they’re relieved, I’m depressed and envious about it. I didn’t want to leave, but I had to. I had to put my priorities in order and family came first. And, it’s not like nothing good has happened since I’ve been here. I’ve got to spend a lot of time with my family and friends; I’ve reconnected myself spiritually, which I’m not sure would have happened had I been in Charlotte; I’ve had a bunch of free time to do whatever I want. Yeah, it gets boring after awhile, but… okay, the point is: I want it to be me graduating and I’m just getting whiny because I want something I can’t have.
But I have gotten something that I wanted: a job.
Yes, I have a job. I am your smiley-faced waitress at a nice little Italian venue called Pizza Hut. I am friendly. I am prompt. I am entertainment. I am a damn good waitress. That (the waitress thing) is something I know for sure and I will not hesitate to acknowledge. If all else fails in life, I know I have a job somewhere serving people food with a smile. Or something. Tonight was my official night off training and I did quite well seeing as I accomplished a Big Spill of Dishes on my first day there. (Hey, I’m a good waitress, but I can’t balance anything for shit). I can say that I’ve got a great group of co-workers… a bunch of characters. So far two main results have occurred: 1) I actually have money that didn’t come from my mother or boyfriend. 2) I smoke a lot more. Thank you, Ashley, for the leverage you may or may not have used.
My mom wants me to take Fluffy (the old retarded dog) to get put down. I wonder what God would say about people taking the lives of creatures that can’t decide for themselves. Let’s get political here, shall we? It’s euthanasia. We can’t do it to people without a big controversy, but we can do it to animals left and right.
Smart Dog Consumed By Fire January 20, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Animals/Pets, Conversations, Family, Things That Are Ridiculous.add a comment
“You used to love him, Mom.” (Him= our dog, Fluffy, who is now about 120 years in dog time, is blind, deaf, and likes to trip us when we walk by getting in our way).
“Hmph. Not since he locked me out of the house, I don’t.”
“Uh… the dog?”
“Yup.”
I won’t go into the story of how and why my mother thinks our tiny yappy dog locked her out of the house, but let this just rest as proof that my mother is nuts.
…Yes, I know that I’m 50% of her. That’s unsettling enough.
Update on an Entirely Unrelated Topic: The Central Florida/Bay Area is encountering a Big Drop in Humidity. Now, for all your weather-savvy people out there you know what the Drop in Humidity means. For those who don’t (for example, Denise) this puts our precious marine/senior-citizen area under a Red Flag Warning for DANGEROUS Fire Weather Conditions. Inverness is in a very compromising position as our community is somewhat “woodsy.” Denise likes to point out the numerous ridiculousities in my plight to Save the State from Brush Fire by pointing out “Smoke In Area” signs that denote a Controlled Fire. Again, I’m going to tell her to “shut it.” I think the meteorologists down at AccuWeather know what their talking about.
MySpace vs. Facebook: How social can you be? January 16, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Facebook, Friends, Making Decisions, Myspace.4 comments
In July I caved and let my sister make a MySpace page for me. It went unused for a month or so until I discovered that it can actually prove useful is finding people and connecting with friends, etc. Last week, I fell into the wonder that is FaceBook. I struggled with this for some time (Should I? Should I not? How much of a loser am I for debating this?) and finally took it upon myself to see what all this buzz is about. Now that you’ve got the background, let’s discuss:
What I like about this site is that within a matter of a week you are re-meeting people you knew several years ago when you were knee-high to a grasshopper. (Case in point: I reconnected with a friend of mine from elementary school simply by typing in her name. Turns out she’s doing well, thanks for asking).
However, the drawback in searching for people is that it’s terribly inconvenient to browse through dozens of profiles that aren’t even relevant to what you really want. MySpace doesn’t have a search engine that allows you to search for a particular person in a particular state/region; they allow you search for someone by zipcode and lists profiles in proximity to that. In conjunction with the Search feature, you are able to view profiles of whoever has theirs listed as public. While time consuming, it makes it easier to narrow down your search.
Another great feature of MySpace is the Spam Protector…sort of. Messages sent to my inbox are automatically X-ed off and the profile is taken out if Spam is detected. I like this. Except Spam Protector doesn’t seem to work excellent in the comment space, however, as I have received countless messages about MySpace tracker and lots of chain e-mail shit. Listen to Me: #1: There is no MySpace tracker, you fools. #2: Chain e-mails/letters are for 3rd graders. While I’m at it, the Bulletin area is great. But not for messages about how pathetic you are and begging people to comment on your pictures. Stop it.
Remember all those popular kids in high school that you wanted to be like? (Or…not so much). MySpace makes even the most socially unacceptable person feel well-liked. In a matter of days you have an expanding friend base that grows on a consistent basis. Wow! You could have 2 friends one day and the next have 50 and a network the size of Jupiter. One can have their Top 8 or Top 500. What does it matter? You have friends to spare! Be careful about this: Some people get offended that they aren’t in your Top List. So, remember that chick from school you never liked? Put her as Number 4 so you don’t get nasty hate mail.
As for the layout… well… I only use about 3 features on MySpace, so who cares? I can say that the basic features and links are pretty accessible and easy to understand. But I did have to get Denise to make a layout for me because this HTML/CSS stuff is way above my head. The homepage for the site is pretty decent. I’m not picky about that stuff anyway. I like seeing the Videos of the Day and all… YouTube has proved itself to be a wonderful asset to the Fun Bar on my Mood Meter. I found this great one of Jesus, by the way.
Like MySpace, I heard about this phenomenon a couple years ago but refused to join for the sheer fact that I wanted to be a technology rebel. Well, as is inevitable… I succumbed. I now have a Facebook account and the Cloud of Shame is slowly dissipating now that I see how useful the site can be.
Finding friends/coworkers/relatives/The Boogey Man on Facebook is a relatively easy task. The people I grew tired of searching for on MySpace I was able to find on this site with ease. (Another friend of mine from way back when… found her, too. She’s also great). However, unlike MySpace, you should have a rough idea of who you are looking for because profiles aren’t accessible to those outside a given network. Although I realize it’s a Security Measure to limit one’s profile… it’s dumb. What is also, I would assume, another Security Measure is your access to networks. For example, I can’t get on to my college network because I don’t have an e-mail address from my college. Stupid people who do illegal things or whore themselves off, take pictures of it and THEN post it to MySpace are idiots. To those of you out there: Please take note of the privacy advantages of Facebook as opposed to MySpace where everyone in the whole damn world can find you if they want to. Take a look at what happened to those cheerleaders in Texas or something. They got nabbed because they were stupid and put their photos out for Net Cops to find them.
(On a side note: can someone please explain to me what Poke! means?).
A definite advantage to this site is the actual usefulness it has in connecting you to your friends. MySpace, while making one feel “popular,” doesn’t necessarily connect you to your friends; it simply provides you with the means to. FaceBook, on the other hand, serves as the connection. You get updates whenever friends/coworkers/The Boogey Man enters a new relationship, makes a change in status, makes a new friend, etc.–without even looking at their profile! Convenience is the key, here. When one has 2835 friends it’s hard to keep in touch with all of them, so this feature simplifies it.
Like I said earlier, I’m not layout picky, so I usually stick to the basics. The features on Facebook serve their purpose. The Notes area is like MySpace’s Bulletin board only you aren’t bombarded with it. I haven’t yet seen one Note on how sad someone is that no one commented on their new pictures. Why? Because Facebook updates you when someone does add new photos so you don’t have to sift through annoying bullshit in the bulletin area. You see what you want to see, when you want to see it. Lastly, I like that I’m interacting with people, not with “The Beer Girls” or “Friday Nights Out at Ho Bar.” I’m notified about Upcoming Events by my friends and not by advertisers.
Winner: Facebook. It’s pretty self-explanatory.
The world according to Ashley January 16, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Conversations, Friends.1 comment so far
“I really wish I had a tape recorder for this..”
“No! No, cause then that could be used against me in a court of law. Hmm… I want to watch Law and Order.”
According to Ashley, who apparently is now an expert on the end of the world… the three major causes for the death of humanity is as follows:
1) Global warming
2) Contagious disease
3) Nuclear War
While all are very valid theories for The Big End, #2 is most enchanting to Ashley because she constructs a perfect scenario of a horrible world.
“O.K. so what if it was in your backyard. Huh?! How are you gonna go outside? What will you do?!”
“Order prepacked food and have it delivered.”
“No! Cause what if the person who delivered it had It.”
“It’s prepackaged.”
“No! Cause what if the person who packaged it had It.”
“Uh…”
“EVERYONE HAS IT!! What will YOU DO, Jackie?! I NEED TO KNOW! WHAT WILL YOU DO?!”
In other news: A friend of mine visited me today and gave me a wonderful new word to add to my already growing personal dictionary. Hoohoodilly- Vagina. Or “Gigi.”
Fruit danglers are everywhere January 15, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Friends, God.add a comment
“For some reason, I really want to say ‘fruit dangler.’”
…? Thank you, Ashley. May you never live that down.
Church was amazing this morning. We had a “guest pastor,” Robert Smith, who was the embodiment of intense preaching. He was well-spoken, well-read, and really loud. The sermon was a good lenghty bit, but he gave the congregation a good message in his booming/whisper/sing-songy way. The bottom line: You must go through pain to experience complete joy. God’s delays are not his denials. Just because you think you are ready for something, doesn’t mean to really are.
I made a Facebook account. I guess everyone succumbs to that sooner or later…
With death comes life January 13, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Animals/Pets, Friends.4 comments
Two years ago:
My fish, Vodka, died. He was one of three Wal-Mart fish (Exxon, Tequila, and Vodka) that a friend and I bought to brighten the days of those in my dorm. I think he died from the Fish Flu and did not die a death similar to Snuffy (who jumped out of his bowl because I put the fishbowl by the heater and it boiled. He lived for about 2 minutes after I resucciated him and then died. This was followed by Fish Funeral and my sobbing hysterically because I was a murderer).
Denise was also on her way to Charlotte for the first time ever. I had just cleaned my room to make it look more inviting. It’s probably best Vodka died then, because I think she would have made fun of me for the rest of my life had she seen my hysteria.
It is all documented right here.
Driver Courtesy Lesson- Part Dos January 12, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Dumb People.2 comments
In response to a comment left by Devin in Oregon on Part One of this multi-part course, this post concerns the topic of “Roundabouts.” Some of you may not be familiar with these genius inventions of the roadworks department. Allow me to explain a bit: roundabouts are circular in nature and are designed to keep the flow of traffic flowing. Think of a 4-way stop, if you will. Instead of stop signs (which are octagons, let us not get them confused with triangles—the shape of a yield sign..), the road flows into traffic. One is greeted with a yield sign (remember class: triangle) which reminds one to slow down JUSTABIT, but not stop completely, and merge into traffic. It’s a fairly simple concept. With that information in mind:
1. You are driving on the correct side of the road and 500 ft. in front of you is a roundabout. There is no traffic in sight. You:
A) Stop and then continue with the rounding the roundabout because you failed to pass kindergarten and don’t know simple geometric shapes.
B) Continue driving, slowing down to an acceptable speed as you merge onto the roundabout.
C) Pull over and have someone else drive because you have no clue what to do.
Answer: B or C is acceptable. If you are a complete moron or have never seen a roundabout before, “C” would be an appropriate answer. If you are familiar with these road designs, by all means, merge.
2. A triangle is to ______ as an octagon is to _______.
A) Yield sign: Stop sign
B) Stop sign: Yield sign
C) Stop sign: Stop sign
Answer: A. While is sounds elementary, you’d be surprised how many drivers would fail this section of the driving quiz.
