I would rather eat glass April 25, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Dumb People, Lists, Things That Are Ridiculous.1 comment so far
Aside from kiddie beauty pageants, reality TV whores, and old people who can’t drive I am adding more to the Really Annoying Things List. The new additions are as follows:
+White guys in old beat up cars that blast rap music like it’s going out of style. One can identify these ridiculous specimens of human life by their oversized baggy jeans (remember JNCO back in the day?), button down oversized shirts (typically some off-kilter hawaiian number with dragons or swords on it), and baseball caps tilted to the side. They drive slowly in the parking lots of your local neighborhood movie theater or convenient store like they’re pretending to participate in a drive-by except they are entirely conspicuous. You can hear them from 5 miles away boom-boom-booming their rap music while the car is putt-putt-putting threatening to fall the shit apart. These young, pimply-faced men wave The Red Flag of Stupid wherever they go. If you are dating one of these men: I’m sorry. If you are one of these men: Stop It.
+People who combat “How are you?” with “How are you?” like you didn’t even ask the question in the first place. If one asks about your state of affairs, answer them. “Good,” “fine,” “miserable” are all great examples of how one can do this. The key to having a passable conversation is, get this, listening. However, chances are nobody really cares how you’re doing anyway because they know within 5 minutes of the conversation you’ll be talking about yourself and dominating the discussion as if you’re getting paid to hear yourself talk.
+Lastly, jeans in the Juniors Dept. that look like they are made for 13 year olds. When you’re in your early 20s it’s still too premature to shop in the Misses or Women’s Casual section at the department store (except, they do sometimes have cute skirts) and you’re way too freaking old to be shopping in the kid section. So someone please tell me why, on God’s green earth WHY, every single pair of denim jeans I see have been bedazzled and glittered to death. It has become increasingly difficult to find a decent pair of normal jeans. I don’t want the distressed look that is soooo fashionably “in,” I can wear holes in them myself for free in 4 months; or glitter, beads, and girly swirly designs all over the legs and pockets; or jeans in funky metallic colors of putrid violet and radioactive green. Someone please kick these designers in the head for making them and the department stores for selling them.
Conversation snippet after dinner. April 22, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Conversations.1 comment so far
“I have lunch lady arms! Jack, look! Lunch lady arms!”
“Ma, you don’t have lunch lady arms. Everyone has that.”
“Yes I do! They’re bat wings! They’re mashed potato slingers! Ugh!”
Thanks, Mom.
Attack of the Nipple Dangler April 21, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Being Employed, Dumb People, Things That Are Ridiculous.2 comments
Other than Reality TV whores, I do believe that kiddie beauty pageants might be the most revolting thing ever. Someone tell me how it is justifiable that these 6-year-old children can be paraded around in their kiddie bikinis and judged on looks, personality, and on being photogenic? How is it right that these girls have faces like girls 7 years older than them, have the bodies of a 6-year-old, and the parents are actually congratulated for showing these kindergartners off like a piece of prepubescent meat? Ugh.
It’s 1030 in the A.M. and I’m up for work. I don’t enjoy having work this early in the morning because that takes away from my sleep and coffee/book/cigarette time. One might say that the logical thing to do is go to bed earlier and wake up earlier so I’d have my time… Well, smartasses, I could do that but that’s really no fun. Now is it?
In any case, I originally started posting just now this morning is because of a funny search item I saw today under my stats. “Nipple Dangler.” Someone please define that for me. And who the heck would look that up anyway?
So with my coffee (and cigarette) consumed (and smoked, respectively), a chapter of Point Counter Point by Huxley finished, and a Diet Coke chilling in the fridge… I think I’m ready to start my day.
Suspenders will be the death of everyone. April 19, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Being Employed.add a comment
Dear Three-Top with the Gift Cards:
I would like to thank you for the $1 tip I received from you. I think it was very generous of you to even pull out your wallet with several one-dollar bills and give me one of them. It contributed a lot to the Jackie Goes Back To College Foundation. Although I must point out, you do remember that this meal cost you entirely nothing except $1.28 exactly as you had TWO GIFT CARDS to pay for your meal and on top of that you got a discount because you brought a coupon in. Please note that next time you are paying in Gift Cards it would be considerate of you to leave a little more than a 0.529075345% tip to your server who completely runs her ass around for you. You are getting your meal for free. Seriously now, how cheap are you?
Dear Man at Cheap-ass Gift Card Table:
Next time you walk out of your house, please look in the mirror first. I don’t care how old or blind you are, a bright banana-yellow shirt does not look good on anyone. Let me repeat that: not on anyone. That includes you. I could have forgiven you for the fact that the brightness of your shirt caused my brain to hemorrhage several times, but you were wearing black suspenders on top of it all. No one but 16-year-old punk screamo kids wear suspenders. ….And people in Holland (or whatever). You were with two women and one would think they would have the decency to tell you that you looked ridiculous.
The palm of my hand looks like an old woman’s hand. It’s kind of creepy.
Tipping, serving, and why cigarettes matter. April 9, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Being Employed, Things That Are Ridiculous.2 comments
In response to Denise’s quite eloquent portrayal of the Crazy Vegetarian Man (and family) Who Can’t Tip, I have decided to write a little ditty that clears up some of the common misconceptions about serving.
Let me lay this out for you: servers, for the most part, are not there for fun. Most servers that I know (including myself) don’t necessarily enjoy standing up and rushing around all day every day. We tend to loathe the tiny little blisters on our heels, our aching neck/back/shoulders, and the cramps of nicotine withdrawl between the hours of 5 and 8pm. However, most of us enjoy our customers. We don’t mind sitting and chatting with you for a bit, finding out who you are and what you do (are you visiting here? Oh, well how unfortunate for you. Those manatees wear you out?). We don’t mind giving extra puzzles to your children to keep them occupied. We don’t mind giving you that extra Crest White smile if you’re being particularly pleasant. BUT we also have another purpose: we are there for the money. Most servers I know are not there because they like the food their restaurant serves; we are there for the simple fact that we have to support ourselves. The best way to do it? Give the best service possible in order to get the best tip possible. Yes, that sounds a bit like we’re whoring ourselves out (but at least we don’t charge). But the tip we get from you, the customer, may help put food on the table for dinner or pay rent, etc. Good service is more than just getting your food to you on time, refilling your drinks when it’s low, and giving you your check in a timely manner… it’s more than that. It’s going and giving that *extra* specialness… and usually that specialness is correlated to the server him/herself. Every server makes their customers feel special in their own way.
Most restaurant goers are typically able to draw the line between good, great, and outstanding customer service. Denise, in her case, gave outstanding service. I was there. I saw her in action. She didn’t have to show C.V. Man where everything is kept and reasssure him time and again that no meat would come in contact with their food. She was under no obligation whatsoever to do that. But she did. Not necessarily because she had The Tip in mind, but because she wanted to respect their religion or because she wanted to make sure they had a satisfactory experience. That is going above and beyond.
So her $1-ish in tip is an insult. In fact, it very well is downright horrendous. While the point can be made that they are clearly not of the American persuasion and are not accustomed to our tipping standards in the U.S., I’ve seen plenty of foreigners tip extraordinarily. It may be a matter of ignorance, but it also may be a matter of stinginess. Let me address both. If you are not from America and are not sure how to tip: it is customary to tip at least 15% of the bill for good to great service. It is allowable to tip less than that for horrible service. Assess your food-going experience and tip accordingly. For those who are stingy (or if you recognize that you are a Notorious Bad Tipper): please understand that we have bills, too. We are making around $3/hr and getting $1 or nothing from a customer can bring any good strong server to tears sometimes. Please have some consideration for the people who serve you.
On a side note: If you notice that when you enter a restaurant you frequent you are getting shitty (and shittier) service from a server you’d had before, or it takes extra long to get your drinks, or whatever… please note that you may be a Notorious Bad Tipper. If you are continually leaving $1 on a $15+ bill, or perhaps “stiffing” the server by leaving nothing, you would be a Bad Tipper. Many servers have an unwritten rule that if they’ve been stiffed or left next to nothing by the same customer two times, they no longer will serve that customer and leave it up to a coworker to do so. If you are a Notorious Bad Tipper, every employee in that restaurant will know. Try to give the people that are working for you a little credit. We don’t work for free, but sometimes it feels like we are.
Talking to myself… again. April 8, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Lists, Random Thoughts.1 comment so far
Up to the minute news:
+I am watching the animated version of Alice in Wonderland and I think it’s great.
+I am fully dressed for work
+I am delaying getting up and going to work
+I like dark chocolate
+I need to get my cat fixed
+Reading a new book, The Subterraneans by Kerouac
+Diet Coke/Pepsi is delicious… I don’t have a preference
+Happy Easter.
I’m getting out of this funk I’ve been in lately… I can’t put my finger on what’s been bothering me. Maybe it’s exhaustion. Maybe lonliness. Maybe the constant buzz of Mom in my ears… Either way, I can feel that cloud lifting… like when you take migraine medicine and you can feel the headache pull from you. It’s a weird sensation. Speaking of weird sensations… my foot is asleep.
For those that didn’t think to send Easter candy, it’s not too late! Tardiness is not an issue, but next year try and be on time with the basket, okay?… I like Peeps, chocolate, chocolate, more Peeps, and more chocolate (except white). Keep that in mind.
posting more today than I have all month… April 5, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Facebook, Myspace, Things That Are Ridiculous.add a comment
I’m not sure whether to be awful frustrated or mildly pleased that most of my searches (and thus, views on this blog) have resulted from my myspace/facebook post I made about a billion years ago. If I knew that it would be looked up so much on the search engine (not necessarily the post, but the websites themselves), I probably wouldn’t have written it. I would like to think I have written more substantial articles than that. …..Haven’t I? While it’s sad that I get around 5 hits a day for this particular post and all of the searches related to my blog are “facebook,” “myspace,” and “cooter” I tend to find that it’s even more depressing that so many people look up those things on the internet. Aren’t there more worthwhile things, like Screech’s sex video or Anna Nicole’s baby’s daddy, to search for?
What’s worse is that I’ll probably get about 5 more hits for mentioning those websites, Anna Nicole, sex, and cooter.
It’s all in your head. April 5, 2007
Posted by onmytangent in Stupid Mental Lapses, Writing.add a comment
I’ve received a demand in the form of a firm “please” by Denise to update for a freaking change. Fortunately for her…I agree. Work, sleep, and laziness have kept me from posting. Well, about 74.8% laziness. Whatever.
I spend the weekend with my boyfriend in Fayetteville, NC. It was fabulous. We supported the local strippers, the local eateries, the local liquor stores, and Best Buy. I have a great article of wonderful news but until I see Dan next, I won’t say anything. That leaves a lot up to your imagination. In fact, I’m sure anyone who reads this cares a whole great deal about anything going on in my personal life. I’ll try to make my posts more entertaining and less sentimental from now on.
Highlight of the day: Spilling a whole container of cottage cheese on the carpetted dining room floor in front of customers and having absolutely no idea how I managed to get it under the table.
Okay, I’m gonna be honest here. I haven’t written because I don’t feel as if anything I have to say: A) is good/important/entertaining/worthwhile to read and B) can be written in any way suggestive of good writing. I tend to write a lot about home and my crazy mother but as I’m rarely home (and when I am I sleep) I have less blogging fodder. Nor do I feel it acceptable to write about work other than the common ups and downs (which results in a boring post); writing about coworkers isn’t the best idea… I don’t know who reads this (but based on my blog stats… I can venture a guess: Not A Lot). I guess I’ve hit a block.
I would like a delicious root beer float.
