This could be considered an affliction.

I’m keeping this quiet.

I’m hushing and shushing

and praying that I lose

my grip before I slip.

And I’m talking in circles

again

making sure I don’t miss

my point by misspeaking

what I mean to say.

What I mean to say is this:

I can’t be more

than this cockroach

of a whore who’s lying

laying lowering herself

down by her twisted ankles.

I can’t be more

because I didn’t know

better this time

and better that I am

unfortunate

than some sorry

son of a bitch

who couldn’t help himself.

I can’t be more

than you or her or him

or any one other person

who says they mean

what they don’t act.

It’s kind of rotten

when your last words

on earth are shitty

interpretations of someone

else’s wisdom. Someone

other than you who died

before your sun rose and set

all at once in one fell

fallen swoop.

All it took was a hatchet.

I started my new (and first) internship today at the Law Firm.  I’m very thrilled about this position for a few reasons.  Here they are in descending order of importance:

(+) I get to work in an office on the 51st floor of a giant building in the middle of Uptown Charlotte.  This is pleasing because not only do I get my very own desktop computer to use (my email account was already set up for me when I got there!) but I get to look down at the city when I feel like dazing off.  However, I wouldn’t like it so much if some radicals decided to revive the 9/11 thing and crash into my particular building. That would be extremely displeasing.

(+) I get to wear cute business-casual apparel and feel professionally important for a few hours a day.

(+) Good money. I can also work from home and get compensated for it.  (I have never liked that word so much before!)

(+) I get to write!  I get to write and get paid for it!  I get to write a whole freaking book and get paid for it!  That is what rocks the most.

I took the day off from work today so I can begin Big Assignment #1 of 5.  So far I have taken out my class folder and looked at it. It’s green. And heavy. What’s inside of it is a different story as I have yet to check the syllabus to see precisely what I need to do.

This minor setback I blame on Folger’s instant coffee. It is not quite as delicious as the Starbucks coffee we ground ourselves here at home.  It is not as flavorful or as aromatic as our usual.  This is upsetting for two different reasons: A) I don’t like instant coffee B) I’m a caffeine nut and it usually takes me a whole pot to really get working.
I am fully aware I sound like I coffee snob.  I am.  I’m also pretty sure that promoting a very large, dominating company such as Starbucks does not earn me extra points anywhere across the board…. but I do have to support my roommate (and, their coffee really is better) so it is what it is.

That’s my story for today.

Oh! I’ve decided that my new haircut not only makes me look like I could tempt a nun to have sex, but also encourages the whole business-like image I want to project with New Job I’ll have in May.  In other words, I pretty much rock.

This morning at 930 I am eating a turkey and cheese on rye sandwich, drinking a cup of coffee, externally influencing myself by means of nicotine and such, and writing a paper that was due two days ago.

When I am finished I will go to both of my jobs.  Once work is complete I will then proceed to the alphabet store and purchase a large bottle of liquor which I will consume throughout the weekend with my roommates.  In between states of intoxication I will begin Paper #1000 that is due Tuesday and will most likely finish writing said paper next Friday.

After finishing this paper, I will begin another. And another. And this will continue for the next ridiculous year. My work is never complete.

The other fish are dead.

Our curiosity widens
narrow streets, swept
clean of glass and debris.
We are two.
Endless and spendless.
Spending our time
on imaginary yachts,
claiming our irresponsibility
as theirs.  Hers.  His.
Not Ours.
Maybe.
If the price is right four fights
fought dirty,
before the night rests
our joint will blow
up
blowing this snooze
quickly and slickly.
Our answers wait for none.
Especially Us.

*Note: there is no shorter version.

Once upon a time I had free cable with HBO. I watched trashy television, had my morning CNN with Robin Meade, and wasted a lot of time trying to keep myself mindlessly entertained. It was glorious.

And then it got taken away.

Although this may seem like the Nightmare to End All Nightmares it’s not so bad.  Really. I mean it.

See, we decided that hacking into an unsecured wireless network didn’t suit our high-speed needs so we got some wireless of our own.  And then Cable/Internet man saw that someone gave us the gift of free television and he couldn’t have that. So the guy turned it off. And we’ve been without for about a week.  I’m getting to a point here, I promise.

Anyway, so we’ve rediscovered the wonders of a Wii system with a wireless connection.  This satisfies my need for news in the morning so I can walk around like I know everything and challenge other news-savvy people. Also, having the Wii system serves another very important need which I can’t forget to mention: Road Rage. With the Excite Truck game I can get stars for Super Truck Smashing! other idiots on the road. I get points for crashing into trees, getting air time when I go over a hill (and I’m always criticized for taking those speed bumps a little too fast…), and and and I get to drive really fast.  Except there’s one minor problem.

Problem being that I tend to take my steering wheel for a Wii remote sometimes… I think I nearly gave my roommate a heart attack on the way to school yesterday when I reached for the Turbo button to get a Turbo Boost over the asshole in front of me who was driving to slow.

So the moral of this story is: Don’t play Excite Truck before you get in the driver’s seat. Your compact vehicle is not a monster truck. The only stars you’ll get for crashing into a tree are the cartoon ones above your head before you slip into unconsciousness.

The End.

Over the course of the next three weeks I have three research papers due for various classes.  The main bitch of a paper has yet to be completed (even though I’ve been working on it for a week).  Why?

Although technology has an abundance of advantages when concerning research, papers, and random videos on “booty shaking” or “hot ass” it also has one terrible disadvantage: Spider Solitare.  Rather than working on said paper I have instead completed 10 rounds of one game because I’m a tard and can’t beat the game unless I’m angry or pissed off.  I need to figure out how to disable this gaming feature without deleting it. I am wasting mass amounts of time in Tard World because I’m too damn annoyed with Henry James to even entertain the possibility of typing this out before the due date.

There’s my random comment for the day. Denise: I posted. You may now rejoice.

While I’ve been remotely satisfied with my current state of… alive-ness I have to say that there are a few things that continually grate on my nerves.  Sparking from an irritating comment left by someone named PinkEye (or Pinkbluejay or Pinkblanket or something) I have decided to share my list of minor (and major) annoyances with you today.

(+) People who cannot spell correctly when they are trying to make a written point.  Although my tolerance for incorrect grammar usage is low I tend to let that pass if one can use the dictionary.  (My lenience on grammar is arbitrary as I tend to use commas wherever and whenever I can).  I do reward extra points for those who feel that they are the new Webster and make up words (example: “alive-ness.” Not so much a word but I like it).  In short: If you are on the Internet you have access to a wide variety of spell checkers and dictionaries.  Use them.

(+) People who cannot drive. Mainly those who insist on pulling out in front of you and going 2 mph. Or notorious brake-riders.  To those who do this: STOP IT. Please refer to my Drivers Education courses for added information/bitching.

(+) Having zero power steering on my car.

(+) Pedestrians.

See how short (and nearly pointless) that was? Splendid!

On another note: anyone read any good books lately?

I’m a little ashamed that my blog gets looked at due to the search terms “wet cooter” and “cardioke.”  Are you kidding me?

Plane to Charlotte. Pilot comes on and says: “Good afternoon, folks. Before we begin I’d like to remind you that this plane is not a rollercoaster.” And then..”Anyone else flying for the first time?  Yeah? Me too!”

Okay, so he didn’t say the last part but it would have been funny if he did.

On some random notes:

+”Breaking Bad” is a great new show on AMC. If you haven’t watched it, you should. It’s as good as “Heroes” but on a different level.

+”SuperDelegates” for the presidential race have “wooing” leaders. Whatever the shit that means.

+Who cares about Beyonce and Tina Turner’s performance at the Grammys? I don’t.